A young Ibiza resident,Maria Escohotado daughter of Amnesia founder, Antonio, has reportedly discovered a photograph which indicates that dance music legend, Sven Vath, may not be all that he says he is.
Maria Escohotado says she was doing some housework, which her father had bribed her into, when she made the startling discovery.“I found the picture when I was cleaning up the four door garage. Normally I’d tell him to get lost if he asked me to do housework but I needed money to buy a new jet ski because my other two aren’t even considered cool anymore,” explains Maria. “I was so annoyed to have to clean stuff up, like a peasant, but I really wanted that jet ski, and I couldn’t find any of my poor friends to bribe, so I gritted my teeth and got on with it.”
“I was almost finished when I found some old boxes of my Dad’s stuff from when he first started business in Ibiza. It wasn’t the usual Dad’s stuff like seedy pornography, pictures of cars and ruffled old vinyls,” she continued. “Well, there was some porn, but there was also old pics from some of the earliest tourists to the island from the 60s.”
What Maria found in the dusty boxes was her father’s old photograph collection from when Ibiza first began to take off as a hedonistic hippy hideaway. Captured in one of the photographs were Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell enjoying a rare private moment before the two of them performed an impromptu sunrise concert at what is now known as Cafe Del Mar. This legendary gathering is talked about as one of the first sunrise parties at the famous spot but there has been no record of it other than hearsay.
“I couldn’t believe what I’d found,” claimed Maria. “Even though the picture of the two long haired women, one of whom I later found out was actually a man named Bob Dylan, was a special memento of a fabled jam session, that wasn’t even the most extraordinary thing about it.”
“Sitting, playing bongos between the two guitarists was a guy who I thought looked identical to Sven Vath,” she continued. “Not how Sven would have looked then as a child, if he was even alive then, but Sven as he looks now. If you’ve followed Sven’s career like I have, you’ll notice that he hasn’t aged like other men.”
“I was a little disturbed by how much he looked like Sven but thought to myself ‘Maria, you’re being silly, it’s just a photograph and photographs can’t hurt you. This isn’t Abu Ghraib,’” continued Maria. “I decided to keep the photo and show it to my father because he’d appreciate the piece of history and would probably laugh reassuringly about my fears of photo-Sven.”
“Naturally, I was delighted to own such an important piece of Eivissa’s heritage,” explained Maria’s father, club owner, Antonio. “I was to meet Sven to discuss his ever increasing fee so I thought I’d give him a laugh with the photograph. That was when things started to get a bit weird.”
“During the meeting I showed Mr. Vath the photograph of Bob and Joni,” continued Antonio. “Straight away I knew something was up, his eyes widened like he’d seen a ghost or unusually shaped piece of fruit. He straight away demanded that I give him the picture but I point blank refused. He said if I gave him the picture that he’d perform every night for free so, knowing that due to the STD plague on the island I needed new toilet seats and foam machines, I took the money.”
Maria however was livid when she found out that her father had sold the photograph and immediately planned to get it back, considering herself the rightful owner by invoking the ‘finders keepers’ legal statute.
“I could not believe that he sold it so shamelessly. Puta,” cursed Maria. “All of my 45 minutes work, why would he pay this much? Why? It is my photo I found for my pappy not for Sven Vath.”
After much stamping of feet and tantrum-tears Maria elected to confront Sven about why he was so adamant to keep possession of the picture.
“I got in my convertible Humvee and told the driver to get straight over to Sven’s clifftop castle and not to stop for anyone,” recounted an exasperated Maria. “When I got to the castle the drawbridge was down and the talking raven, Harold, wouldn’t let me in but I managed to swim the moat and let myself in around the back.”
“I’m not going to lie when I got into the Gothic keep I was terrified,” continued Maria. “The walls were adorned with terrifying portraits of strange monsters like the Minotaur and Andrew Lloyd Webber. I pushed open a particularly creaky door, ducking just in time to avoid the bats that rushed past my head and through the mysterious fog there stood an open sarcophagus. Sven was hanging upside down in it, naked and covered in a translucent goo. The odour reminded me of boiled cabbage and cat urine but not as pungent.”
“I was just about to turn and leave when suddenly his eyes flared open and settled on me,” explained Maria. “He dropped from his upside down perch and managed to spin in mid air and land on his feet, like a particularly acrobatic cat, or Neo from the Matrix. His eyes were wild and his two headed love chorizo was spinning like a demon. I could tell from the motions that his penis had a mind of its own and that it knew I was menstruating heavily.”
Maria claims that Sven then attacked her, attempting to bite her neck, crotch and side boob but she was able to escape by throwing open a window to bathe the room in sunlight. Maria continues, “He held up his hands to block the sunlight from his eyes and ran for his Gucci sunglasses where he keeps them on the mantelpiece below the, frankly useless, mirror. Those few seconds gave me the time I needed to get the hell out of there.”
While Maria’s story is not yet conclusive police are investigating. A photo Maria took on her mobile before Sven’s coffin opened is quite revealing. While not showing Sven or the sarcophagus it does show his 50 inch gold television on top of what looks like The Ark of Covenant in his sitting room.
Wunderground attempted to contact Sven to respond to the strange claims but he declined to answer any of our questions directly but instead used his agent who blamed the entire incident on some Chinese synthetic ketamine that had arrived on the island that summer. Despite everyone else on the island saying that the ketamine in question was “absolute shit” and “about as wobbly as a tank” and that they wished you could trip that hard off it. Sven, however, is sticking to that story and denying claims that he is an immortal vampire.
Revealingly, one eyewitness has since reported seeing Sven shirtless on top of his castle in a lightning storm waving a Traktor controller around screaming “There can only be Sven!” but inexplicably Spanish police have closed the file due to lack of intelligence. Maria is now hiding in a secret convent on the continent but is sticking to her story. “It had two heads and was spitting at me. He is a demon.”
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